Maybe it is the time of the year, when everything seems a little dull and grey. Or maybe it is just my situation but I am getting frustrated... mostly with myself and my inability to make a decision. Although one decision has been made: I want to work instead of traveling. I need something to do! I tried my best to keep myself busy with short weekend trips and language courses but it is simply not enough. Admittedly I am not 100% behind my decision but it seems like the best thing to do right now. Work, earn money, gain experience, feel needed etc.
And just when I am all in my thought, completely occupied with myself I read the news: yet another suicide bomber in Istanbul and now I am all worried about the dear friends, who live there and pray to God that all of them are fine. All of the sudden so called "problems" seem so little and minor that I nearly feel embarrassed for my meaningless worries. Because after all I still have quite an amount of good things: love, health and choices!
Now I am off to the airport with my mum, getting some nice temperatures into the system in the south of Turkey. Good way also to get deeper into my Turkish language studies and trying my best to apply it.
With 26 the law considers me a grown-up. I often wonder what being a grown-up actually means. Being reasonable? Making smart decisions? Knowing what you want? To take responsibility? This all sounds so vague and some children might actually be smarter and more reasonable than me. It has been more than a year ago, that I graduated. Writing down my CV I realized that up until my graduation everything went pretty smooth, no gaps on my CV, all pretty much exemplary. It is everything that happened afterwards, that worries me. Since 15 months I am hanging in mid-air, only managed to work for four months in a place I kindly describe as "hell on earth" and I quit it to avoid going insane. Searching for a job for more than half a year and ending up in that terrible place, quitting after only a few months shattered my belief in Sweden which is why I dropped everything and left. Now I am back in Germany, back in my old room, back at the start and I wonder how to continue. There are two options: work or travel, which can also be described as the decision-making-process between reason or fun.
I was surprised to find out that my hometown offers plenty of amazing jobs, so much has changed around here or I simply see everything in a different light. However it would seem like such a failure to return to my small hometown after all the beautiful places that I was allowed to see, after all the the amazing people I was able to meet, all those exciting experiences I could make and start working here.
I of course checked plenty of job databases but no matter in which country I want to work, I will always be a foreigner. This is certainly very exciting but Stockholm taught me, that foreigners, no matter their qualification, are not always welcome. (Blimey for taking a little longer to realize this, call me naive) Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that Stockholm people are racist, that is not my message, but in my field Swedish people were always given preference. How do I get that impression? Simple: If a job ad fitted me perfectly well, let's say it required an education in the field of media and communication, some internships as experience would be sufficient, working language English and knowledge in one more language and so on... in the end it would say "Swedish mothertongue is demanded" even if it is not needed while executing the job; meaning: please no applications by foreigners. Even if it might not have been meant that way all the time, it was easy to understand it that way, especially after 6 frustrating months of searching and application-writing. BTW: why was the job ad in English if they could have written it as well in Swedish to exclude people with no Swedish knowledge?
The big question is still unsolved: What should I do now? I don't know if it is a German way of thinking but by age 26 you kind of expect it from yourself and you are expected to either have a family or a career. But is this still a realistic expectation? Why do I have the feeling that all my achievements of the past years are worth nothing just because I hit rock bottom in Stockholm?
Traveling seems like the wrong thing to do, so incredibly irresponsable, I should work instead and get some working experience. What the hell, I only have one life and I should enjoy it and as long as my life circumstances allow me to do whatever I like, why shouldn't I, right? But I also don't wanna travel and suffer from a bad conscience from all the "should's". To feel a little bit better and to trick myself I applied at a few jobs to see my chances on the German labour market. If no one wants to hire me, I can go travel without bad conscience though a little worried.
My weeks of preparation are starting: my apartment is terminated, I found a potential buyer for my car, besides some small things I already sold my furniture and now I finally need to decide on my traveling route. I first thought that a round-the-world-ticket would be the smartest, but since I want to focus on central and south America a multi-stop ticket apparently is the smartest choice. Oh well, still a lot of things to figure out. There are so many beautiful countries, that I want to see. But where to start? And how to travel? Sometimes some limitations can be good because the possibilities can be overwhelming.
It is very easy to underestimate the whole planning-process: vaccinations, contact lenses, sorting out which clothes to pack... all kind of minor things but still, they require some thinking ahead. Although I am super excited to travel alone, I am also a little nervous because I know that bad stuff can happen and I, of course, want this experience to be the best time of my life. Luckily a friend of mine recommended that amazing website to me. It is called www.travelettes.com (backpacking in heels) which is a website from girls for girls. Since hours I am reading all the entries, which includes tipps on how to best pack your backpack to some safety rules to avoid being robbed the first day, how to save money for upcoming trips and so on.
I will continue with my research and hope to be more clear about my destinations soon...
Most of my friends and me have one major thing in common: we left our home countries to travel or to live abroad. Once one starts with traveling it honestly becomes difficult to stop. This is of course not a bad thing, especially since there are so many wonderful places to discover. Just to be clear: I am not talking about 2 week all-inclusive kind of holidays, but long journeys of a couple of months or moving into another country entirely.
But, as always, there are two sides of a coin. With every journey one gets to know new people, new traditions, new cultures, new difficulties and excitements. On the other hand, with every further journey you loose friends, or let's say companions, which apparently were only meant to be in your life for this particular period of time. This also concerns relationships. How many relationships broke in my surrounding mainly because it started in one country and then one of the partners went back or somewhere else and the couples tried making the long distance relationship work... unfortunately often this did not go too well. I am loosing my faith in those kind of long-distance-relationships. I admire those couples that actually manage to stay together and after years finally manage to move to one country and start their settled lives. It is good to know that it CAN work but still, they seem to be the exception. Or it was meant to be, whatever this mystic sentence actually means.
Well and for all of us, for which it apparently is not (yet) meant to be: what is left to do? Enjoy the time as a single, live life to it's fullest, enjoy meeting people, enjoy being at amazing places because one thing is for sure: starting with the settled life can happen faster than expected and often happens when you least expect it!
First of all, I am more than familiar with the popularity of Sweden and Stockholm in particular. I know, that it is a popular travel destinations, especially amongst Germans. For some of you it might come as a surprise, but just because I live here does not mean that I am a hostel. And just because we grew up in the same village or went to school together does not mean, that I am your personal tourist guide. Seriously, when we did not even hang out in school times, or just because we are facebook friends does not mean that we have to be friends in real life. I graduated from highschool seven years ago. All those years you freeloaders did not give a rat's ass about how I am doing, neither did I care about you; mututal disinterest. But all of the sudden (or more in the moment that you booked a ticket to Stockholm) you remember me. And of course you were wondering only how I am feeling and how great it would be to meet me again and hear all about my life. No, certainly, it is not to get a free accomodation, it is just about me and refreshing the (before non-existing) friendship.
Honestly, do you think I was born yesterday? I also learned the lesson that you shouldn't tell new facebook friends "Sure, when you're in Stockholm give me a buzz so we can meet" because it apparently is misunderstood with "Great, book your 2 weeks vacation and stay at my place the entire time even though we did not see or speak to each other in 10 years". And with the 2 weeks self-invitation I am not exaggerating, this is based on a true story.
I know this all sounds very negative, but believe me, after 4 years in a pretty amazing city, you have heard all kinds of self-invitations and honestly, I consider my time a little bit too precious to be hanging out with people that only contact me, because they want to save money on an accomodation. I rather spend this time with my real friends, which can crash at my place any time they want to because I know that if I need a place to stay they would do the same for me. Again, don't get me wrong, I think it is a lot of fun to meet childhood friends again after a long time, but those people that just contact you for a free accomodation most of the time won't contact you again after their pleasant stay. If this initial reunion was to actually catch-up and renew the friendship, of course, then I am the last person to decline this opportunity, but unfortunately this is hardly ever the case or to not over-generalize, this has hardly been true for my case. The result is of course that I am not that open anymore with letting people stay at my place.
To all you freeloaders: Don't bother contacting me if it is just for saving money and GET A HOSTEL because that is what they are there for!
Since the Worldcup started, I got super excited again about football. It just feels good to be proud of the own nationality again and not feeling weird about showing the German flag when my friends and me paint our faces and put sticker tattoos on. Especially when you grow up in a country in which showing flag is not too common. However all the cheering has also one downside. Old grudges between certain countries grow stronger again. Some particular people from particular countries (I am writing cryptically on purpose to not offend anyone) would rather cheer for anyone but for Germany despite them getting along with Germans perfectly fine. When it comes to football their "primary grudges" against Germany seem to re-awake for no apparent reason. Don't get me wrong, I do not want everyone to cheer for Germany only, that would be completely silly and the tension before those matches just heats up the emotions and that is also one part that I really love about international football matches. Still I think that one of the general thoughts should be that the whole world (or in case of the Eurocup whole Europe) is participating in one competition and through that feels united; everyone is getting excited about football; people all over the world are following the matches and media all over the world cover one main topic for weeks. Well of course, this is still the case, but those negative vibes, which of course are unavoidable, feel rather disturbing, especially when you get them from people that you used to get along with so well...
Just checking out facebook and recent posts amongst friends show a clear picture: during the Worldcup the competing teams/countries become the enemy. People write nasty remarks, make fun of each other when one team looses, become jealous when their nationality just lost and so on. Sure, some people do not take football that seriously and therefore don't take any harm in childish remarks from their "friends", but some actually take the competitions very seriously and do take those comments amiss.
I know, this is part of the game and especially during a worldwide sports event identifying with your country and nationality becomes very important. I am simply wondering why especially football is causing such a backwards development in us? Why is it not happening to such an extend during the Olympic Games, which are also mainly about sending representatives of one nation to the games to compete against other nations. The difference between the Olympic Games and the Worldcup is obvious: in the Worldcup only men are participating.
I am also wondering, why women, who normally do not really care that much about watching sports on TV become so territorial and nationalistic when it comes to the World and Euro Cup? Could the explanation be as simple as "because it is exclusively men participating" and therefore becomes a male domain and a representations of a macho culture? Is football a "civilized" and updated version of the primary hunting instinct: 22 men hunting one ball= 22 men hunting one prey animal? And honestly, women, many of us are watching football for one single reason: the hot men! And isn't there a part in us that adores really manly men, that scream out gorilla-like if they miss a pass or the goal and support each other in good and bad times? And men like watching other men sharing emotional moments, being a team and doing something that seems to be exclusively manly?
A big exception from the "I support my country" rule is Sweden. Just a couple of days ago there has been a survey amongst 12 Swedes on Metro and all of them support either Argentina, Spain or Germany. That the Swedish women's football club won 17:0 against Azerbaijan was hardly even mentioned in the news. How come, that in a country like Sweden with a male football team, that does not really succeed that much, no one is supporting the women's football team, which ranks 4th in the women's football world ranking? Is their success not worth supporting? Why? Are those women no longer considered as sexy women as opposed to female tennis players with short skirts? This is, besides volleyball, the only female sport that I can come up with that men are actually watching for quite obvious reasons. Why do they not even get support by other women?
I know, that I am now walking on thin ice, but are Swedes rather supporting another nationality and by this men than their own women's team because it is women that are successful in a male domain?
Recently I updated myself on the website of a German scandal sheet. There was this case of a kidnapped wife of a banker. After weeks of searching and desperates appeals of the family to the kidnappers to release her, the women was found dead. Apparently there had been a struggle with her kidnapper, who in the end stabbed her. Just imagine me reading this article, being very consternated, when a google advertisement on the right side of the article caught my attention: special offer on knife-blocks. How incredibly crude is this? Of course, those advertisements are not put there by another individual but rather automatically with the help of keywords and user profiles, however it feels very disturbing. Of course I should not take this too serious considering the kind of "newspaper" I was reading, which, by the way, is in itself already the most inappropriate sheet ever. But still I am taking the freedom to feel offended and disturbed by this crudeness.
Sometimes it is easy to get the impression that all signs show the direction "leave your current location and start something new". The past few weeks have not been particularly easy, neither has been the decision to quit my job. End of last week someone broke in into my car and stole the radio and some other rather worthless things. Please note, that this is the third time in 3.5 years, that this happens to me! Yesterday I got a note from my landlord saying that there had been some problems and within three months I need to move out. This leaves me down with pretty much nothing: no job, no apartment, no reason to stay any longer in Sweden. I really try hard to think positive and think of the whole "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade of them" mantra, but it is admittedly becoming more and more difficult.
So if I am pretty much at a point, where I have to start all over again, it couldn't be any more of perfect timing to pack my backpack and go travel. Something that I really need right now is positive input and an adventure. More and more of my friends are also considering moving back to their homecountries. Ok, sure, in summer Sweden is beautiful, but the winters are a major downside.
I can already hear the voice of a friend saying "Oh you simply did not try hard enough" and everyone of our mutual friends also returned to their homecounties. In her opinion all those people are just too soft and gave up too early... which is easy to say if you do not have to worry moneywise and in terms of an apartment.
So if anyone of you has ideas where to travel to and experiences with making some money for survival abroad (preferably Central and South America), please do send me you suggestions!
