Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Playing games

Love has an uncounted number of synonyms and is probably the reason for the most wonderful songs on this world.

Right now nobody describes love better for me than Pat Benatar: Love is a battlefield. And when are you most confronted with that topic? Right! On Valentines day. I am one of the poor fellas that has been heartbroken right before lover's day. Speaking of timing, huh?

In war like in love there are no rules, this already implies that sooner or later somebody will be hurt. However I refuse to take the safe road and hold back my feelings for someone simply because of the fear to get hurt because what's the point then? I rather have been madly in love with somebody and be crashed and burned badly than looking back and realize that I have never loved. As much as it hurts me to admit that right now, but it is true. For all the pain that I am feeling right now I am still grateful that even after all those painful experiences of the past years that I am still able to love somebody unconditionally, madly, unreasonably, to the moon and back.

Little background story: Just imagine somebody telling you those magic three words and after half a year basically takes them back again. I am not making this up, things like that happen also in real life, not only in cheesy soap operas. And for a fact I know that I am not the only one trapped in such an awful soap.

When finding yourself in extreme situations sooner or later the only thing that seems to count is power. Who has the last word, who has said what, whose turn is it to apologize, who needs to make the first step and so on. Love is therefore not only a battlefield but also a big playground for childish and unreasonable behaviour. I am not excluding myself from that although I like to believe that I am still kind of reasonable and down to earth. Speaking to my girlfriends I hear the funniest, saddest, weirdest, most disturbing and entertaining stories from their love playground. It is fascinating to see that even the most reasonable friend of mine is capable of doing insane things, say the most hurtful things to a person she supposedly is in love with just because of jealousy, love or whatever you might wanna call those extreme feelings.

The classic "playing games" would be of course: Person A likes Person B (the gender is of no importance here,both men and women can be truly fucked up), as soon as Person A shows more affection than Person B, Person B looses interest. (The same can happen vice versa.) As soon as Person A realizes that Person B is not returning as much affection, Person A is holding back. This creates more interest in Person B, causing Person B to show more affection to Person A. Person A being happy that the whole "holding back" has worked out... and so on. We all know that game either exactly that same way on in slight variations but the general dynamics stay the same.

Another type of playing games would be a concept called the "what-if" person. The general concept behind this that we have a so called what if person, a person of which we always wonder if things could have worked out. This person stays something like a mystery, you never know if things would have worked out in a parallel universe or even in reality. We like to stay in occasional contact with that person just to see what this one special person is up to, check the relationship status on facebook and so on. We might not admit it to ourselves but mostly there are pretty well defines reasons why we are not together with the what-if-person. Let it be distance, just being into the looks of the person or not that much into the character, liking the persons way of thinking but not liking the outside (yeah admit it, sometimes we are just superficial!), whatever the reasons might be, but there is at least ONE reason why it would never work with the what-if person. The simplest explanation: we know exactly that we have idolized that person so much in our minds that we know that hit by reality we can only be disappointed.

I find myself wondering if those games are really inevitable? How do those happy couples around me, that got married recently or will get married soon, manage to reach that point of getting married, admitting to each other that they want to spend of their lives together? I always seem to end up with boys that first are head over heels and after a while back-off and realize that they enjoy being singles and wanna take things slowly (meaning pushing me away). Am I picking the wrong men or are the wrong men picking me? Am I making decisions in the whole mess or am I just following someone else's lead?

I once had this all absorbing, unconditional, harmonic, crazy, honest love and it somehow got fucked up as well after years of wonderful being together. This man wanted to be with me, would have done anything for me, followed me wherever, supported my every decision, even if it meant letting me go far away for a while if it meant making me happy, the kind of love that many write songs about. Where did that love go? Where does love go to when it suddenly just disappears? Interesting side note is that we never actually used the L-word but just knew that we love each other.

Little message from me to all you girls and boys who are fans of big romantic words: Instead of telling someone "I love you" and by this raising expectations, rather SHOW that you love the person with smaller and bigger gestures. In the end this does not put that much pressure on a fresh relationship but in my opinion rather creates a atmosphere of love. The L-word is a very very big deal to me, three words full of hope, expectations and meaning that are used way too casual if you ask me. But hey, that's just my opinion.

One thing we can conclude for sure: When a heart breaks it don't break even, but time will for sure heal all wounds and I KNOW that I will still be able to fall in love! Because I want to!

Sleep tight all my wonderful friends all over the world! xx

No comments:

Post a Comment